my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I wish there were birth control emojis
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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