I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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