on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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