You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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