Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
