What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
