and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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