The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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