Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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