Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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