Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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