WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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