i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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