you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
