Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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