did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
