He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
