someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Houston, we have a blender
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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