i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
