why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
