So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
