I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
