Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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