now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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