watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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