Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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