so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
