I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Houston, we have a blender
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
