If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there was a trapeze. enough said
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
