I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Randomize
