if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
