This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
