Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
