please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
