I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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