I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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