did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
