My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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