Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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