I am midnight drunk by noon
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
