my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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