My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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