A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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