Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
