I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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