I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
