My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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