can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
