Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
