How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
