Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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