It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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