And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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