On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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