Your mouth is God's brothel.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
