shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
