Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
